Misfortune
by Editor-Bug
Summary: After visiting a fortuneteller, Zim believes that he only has 24 hours left to live. So, what does he do? Try to cheat Death, of course! ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like!


"Alright, GIR, I'm going to Skool," Zim donned his wig and contacts. "Don't forget to do your chores."

"PLEASE! Don't leave me!" GIR begged him.

"I'll be back in a few hours!" Zim grabbed the doorknob. "Just stay here and don't break anything!"

"NOOO!" GIR clung to his master's leg.

"Ugh! GIR, get off!" Zim opened the door and tried to leave, but GIR remained glued to the floor, as well as Zim's leg.

"STAY HERE!"

"LEARNING, GIR!"

"ANARCHY!"

This went on until both of them tumbling out onto the lawn. Fortunately, GIR had his dog disguise on.

With a grunt of exertion, Zim pried GIR off of his leg and scowled.

"You're just lucky you didn't damage my stockings..."

"Hehe, Master wears pantyhose...hey, look at that!" GIR pointed ahead.

On the sidewalk, just before Zim's walkway, stood some sort of mobile service cart. It had colorful drapery along the side, lovely calligraphy design and an all-around mystical feel.

Zim stood and gaped at it. "That thing is blocking my exit!"

"Yay, it's the ice cream truck!" Squeaking with each step, GIR sprinted into the strange wagon.

"Hey!" Zim followed him in.

Once inside, the Irken's vision was practically assaulted with light. It was all emitting from a large crystal ball in the middle of the room. Seated at its table was a pudgy gypsy woman, whom GIR was...harrassing.

"ICE CREAM MAN!" the robot shouted in her puzzled face. "Gimme three scoops!"

"HEY!" Zim said again, gaining their attention. "What is this?! Your little human rainbow cart is blocking my way to Skool! ...where I was going! ...because I am a normal human Earth maggot."

"Oh, yes..." The gypsy swirled her long-nailed hands around the crystal ball. "You wish to go to this Skool..."

"Mhm, I just said that."

"Ah! But you also wish to know of..." she smirked mischievously. "Your fortune."

"I wish for ice cream!" GIR stuck the crystal ball in his mouth, and the gypsy immediately pulled it out.

"Uh, look, all this is making me uncomfortable, so..." Zim began to back away.

The gypsy sighed heavily and dropped the accent. "I'm a fortune teller. I can tell what will happen to you in the future. Do you want to know, or not?"

Zim pondered this. "Wait, so...if something unspeakably horrible was going to happen to me, you would be able to tell me when it was going to happen?"

"Take a seat and we'll see..."

Zim did so, figuring he had nothing to lose. But he was wrong.

"Ahem. A reading is five dollars."

"Oh! Uh..." Zim turned to GIR for assistance. "You people and your monies...I _do_ have this five-dollar coupon to MacMeaties!"

"Fair enough..." the woman accepted it. "Now, give me your hand, boy."

"I'd rather not..."

"No palm reading, huh?" The fortune teller sighed again. "Ugh, this always happens...I honestly hate my job. Okay, I shall consult the crystal ball for your fortune..." She wiped GIR's drool off of it with her oversized sleeve. "Hmm..."

Zim grew impatient. GIR gave him an encouraging smile, but it did little to settle him.

"Do you see anything?" he asked.

"I see...your birth. You're...on a distant planet, surrounded by- -"

Zim swatted the crystal ball off of the table; it shattered.

"NNNOOOOOOO!" the fortune teller cried to the heavens. "That cost me $24.95!"

"Listen, I want to know the _future_ ," Zim reminded her. "You wouldn't happen to have anything here that allows you to see that, would you?"

"Uhugh..." groaned the gypsy. She sat back down and rummaged around in her clothes. "The only other things are these tarot cards, but I've never used them before."

"Please!" Zim scoffed, snatching the cards away. "How complicated could it be? I'm sure _I_ can figure out how to use these pharaoh cards! I am a certified genius, after all!"

"You don't get out much, do you?"

"HERE!" Zim handed the cards back. "I have marked one, and only ONE, card with something that only I, ZIM, could comprehend!"

"...was it this one?" asked the fortune teller.

She was holding up a card with an Irken insignia drawn on it next to the actual picture. It was the only marked card in the deck...plus, Zim put it on top...

"That's correct!" Zim and GIR clapped for her. "So, what's my fortune?"

"Uh...the picture on the card shows lightning, fire, and overall colateral damage."

"Yes, good, mm-hmm! But what does that mean?"

"Well..." She shuffled the cards and put them back. "I suppose that means you will die in some sort of horrible, destructive accident."

"...HA-HA-HA," Zim chuckled awkwardly. "Th-That's ridiculous! I'm going to die peacefully, or be granted immortality or something, right?"

"Nope. Tarot cards do not lie, child!" She slapped Zim across the face. "I should know. I am an expert on these matters."

"Guh..." Zim shuddered at the thought of a universe where he didn't exist. "How long do I have until...IT happens?"

"Um...let's say you have twenty-four hours or something like that. Have a nice day."

With that, the fortune teller shoved Zim and GIR out into the street. Zim fell to his knees.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"...OKAY!" Dib broke the silence of Ms. Bitters's classroom. "Does ANYBODY notice ANYTHING UNUSUAL about ZIM TODAY?"

The students narrowed their eyes at Dib. As much as they didn't like Zim, all his accusations were annoying and unneccessary. Like, get a life, dude.

Dib facepalmed. "LOOK at him! Has nobody else noticed that he keeps vomiting up purple slime every ten seconds?!"

"BLEAUGH!" Zim added to the purple pile beside his desk. He wiped his mouth and anxiously continued staring at the clock, ignoring the rest of the class.

"Dib, shut up about Zim," ordered Ms. Bitters. "You shall be our next reader."

Dib sighed and flipped to the next page of "Horrific Nursery Rhymes, Vol. VII". He read aloud:

"Jack and Jill went up the hill

to fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down, broke his crown,

and Jill came tumbling after."

Zim's eye twitched as he struggled to catch the vomit in his mouth.

"You see, children?" Ms. Bitters began. "The story of Jack and Jill only proves that pursuit of your desires in life will ultimately lead to you breaking your little heads open. The next time any of you get the idea to go get some water- -"

 _RING!_

"It's lunchtime. Be sure to drink plenty of water."

Zim threw up once more on his way out the door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It took until recess for Zim to fully grasp the severity of his situation. It had been nearly four hours since his reading, which meant he only had twenty left!

He shivered heavily. Twenty hours left on Earth? He had to get out of there! No way was he going to waste time at Skool when his life was coming to an end!

Climbing the fence to get off of school grounds was a piece of cake for Zim. As he hurried home through the city, he relayed what the fortune teller had told him.

"Hmm. I shall perish in a destructive explosion of fire and lightning," Zim said to himself. "Therefore, if I stay secluded in my base until the 24 hours subsides...the fire and lightning," he whistled and did a little worm motion with his hand across his chest. "Disaster will be averted! I can cheat the Fates!"

Eventually, Zim got back to his base. It appeared that the gypsy's cart had vanished.

Once inside, he shut the door behind him and let out a sigh of relief that he was back where he felt most comfortable on this planet.

"GIR, hurry!" he called. "To the basement!"

GIR came out of nowhere, wielding a battle axe. "Is it finally the zombie apocalypse, finally?!"

"What? No, the- -...YES! It's the zombie apple crisps! Quickly! We can hide from the crisps in the basement!"

Screaming, GIR flew down the trash can.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Okay! This barricade should be strong enough. Now those apple crisps won't get us and I shall live another day!" Zim proclaimed, standing within the steel barricade he and GIR had built.

He took a look at the timer, and they still had quite some time to wait. About nineteen hours.

"Nineteen hours alone with GIR," Zim mumbled to himself. "I can do this."

"Master, I gotta use the bathroom!"

"GIR, you're a robot."

GIR looked down at his crotch area. "...oh, yeahhh!"

"...who am I kidding? I'll never last," Zim admitted. "GIR, change of plans! You are going to go out and face the zebras!"

"Zombies."

"Whatever."

"Okie-dokie!" GIR sliced a hole in the barricade with his axe, then leapt out of it. "ZOMBIIIES!"

"DON'T GET TOO CARRIED WITH THAT THING!" Zim yelled after him. Then he sat down and continued to wait. "Okay. Nineteen hours alone with my amazing self. I can do this...who am I kidding? I'll never last."

Suddenly, a fly flew by, and Zim screamed at the sight of it.

"Y-YOU! EARTH INSECT! Must've gotten in because of GIR and his stupid axe!" He flailed around as the fly drew near to him. "NO! GET AWAY! I DON'T WANT YOUR MALARIA! AGHHH!"

Finally, Zim couldn't take it anymore and leapt through the barrier, creating a second hole.

"THE FLIIIES! THEY'RE AFTER MY VEINS!"

The fly was still following him, so Zim darted over to the elevator and paced around in it on his way up. On the house level, he found GIR watching TV while still clutching the axe.

"GIR, other change of plans!" Zim sputtered out. "The flies have infested the base! We must venture back outside! They won't think to look for us out there!"

The two of them threw their disguises on and dashed outside.

"Quickly! Survey the area for an optimal hiding place!" commanded Zim.

"THEEERE!" blared GIR, pointing at a bush.

Zim couldn't think of anywhere else to hide, so he hopped in there along with GIR.

"I think we're safe in here; no bugs," the Irken said with relief.

Out of nowhere, a streetlight collapsed, crashing down right between Zim and GIR. It barely missed them.

"...we almost DIED!" GIR beamed.

Zim shoved his way out of the bush, trembling violently.

"We nearly got CRUSHED!" GIR went on.

Zim began to really panic.

"That big golf putter could've KILLED us!"

Zim broke out in a cold sweat.

"And then we'd be DEAD!"

"We...we have to leave, GIR," wheezed Zim. "We have to leave the city! Now! At least until I'm safe..."

"Whoo-hoo!" the robot cheered. He followed closely after his master, who was getting out of the neighborhood as quickly as possible. "On the run from the law!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Alright, I have everything packed!" Zim announced as he raced up the sidewalk. "What have I packed, you ask? NOTHING! That way, if we get robbed, no one can find my DNA and turn me in for crimes against the universe! Strategy, GIR!"

"And I brought my axe!" GIR held it up and kissed it.

The Irken rolled his eyes. "Yeah, because THAT'S going to come in handy."

"Thanks!"

"We just have to cross this last stree- -WOOOAH!"

Zim narrowly avoided getting run over by a truck. It zoomed past him and crashed into a pair of cars, which burst into a fiery explosion. An unlucky little squirrel was caught in the wreckage.

After staring at this horrific destruction for a bit, Zim pulled GIR in close. "That squirrel could've been ME...IT COULD'VE BEEN MEEEEEE..."

Zim went sprinting all the way out of the city, and he kept going until he came to a river.

"...EEEEE- -WOOOOAH!" The Irken stopped on a dime. "It's some kind of valley, filled with water!"

He spotted some electric eels in it.

"And it's full of shocky snakes! How am I ever to get across without perishing horribly?!"

"Don't worry, Master! Me 'n' Axe can throw you across!"

"...WAIT! I have an idea! GIR, throw me across!"

"Okay! I can throw real hard! Check it! HOOWAH!" GIR flung his axe at the river.

It skipped and spun along the water, and even decapitated an unlucky eel. When it reached the other side, it embedded itself in a tree, which fell over and landed a hair away from Zim.

"Ahh, a bridge," he quipped. "Terrific, now let's go!"

XXXXXXXNIGHTXXXXXXX

Hours later, Zim and GIR sat out in the woods by a campfire.

"Mm..." GIR was chewing on a stick covered in sap. He rubbed his axe with it. "Want some, Master? Me 'n' Axe are willin' to shaaare!"

"Stop, GIR!" Zim swatted the sticky stick away. "Keep your flavored twigs to yourself! I'm busy waiting for time to pass by."

"Hmmm."

Zim stared wistfully at the fire he had somehow managed to make. "It used to be so simple being ZIM. When it was just me and you and Skoodge and the Tallest doing little training things...oh, wait, you weren't there for that, GIR. But still! That was a time before these new fangled human monstrosities and their fffFORTUNES! Ah, but there's only a couple hours left until it's safe for me to return to human society. Highly implausible that anything TOO chaotic could happen in so short a time, I suppose."

Suddenly, a demon bear popped out of the bushes behind Zim!

"RAAAAARGHHH!" it roared.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Zim screamed and raced behind GIR.

"Whoa, déjà vu," the robot remarked.

"RAAARGHH!" With a slash of its demon bear claws, the demon bear slashed GIR's head off.

"YEEESH!" Zim flinched. "AH!"

The bear was coming for him now! What to do, what to do...? Aha!

Zim swiped GIR's axe out of his limp hands and began brandishing it at the demon bear. "STAY BACK! Stay back lest Zim strike you down!"

"RARGH!" The demon bear lunged for Zim.

"AHHHH!" Zim lunged for the demon bear.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"And...there you go!"

GIR flickered back to life. "Ooh! Hehe! Gee, Master! How'd you ever escape that demon bear?"

"Well, GIR, it's a long and fascinating story. There was action, drama, gore, and just a bit of sci-fi! I nearly lost my life to that beast. But to abridge, I SLAYED it using this axe I found."

"There's mah boy!" GIR hugged it.

"Yeah, and then I eventually stuck your head back on. To be honest, you really weren't that different as a disembodied head!"

"Hehehe!"

"Ah, but now my 24-hour wait is...!" An alarm sound came from Zim's PAK.  
"OVER! I did it! I survived!" Zim started flinging GIR in the air. "WAHOO! WAHOO! WAHOO!"

The two cheered and laughed until Zim unceremoniously let GIR fall to the ground.

"Now, to reintegrate into human society. GIR, hurry up!"

So, Zim and GIR hurried on back to the city. Zim grinned as more buildings started popping up.

"YAYYY, PEOPLE!" GIR excitedly went running into a crowd.

"Hey, wait!" Zim quickly followed him in. He bumped into someone.

"WATCH IT, WILL YA?!" It was a woman with a baby. Zim hated women with babies.

"E...Ew," Zim heard himself say as he backed away from the slobbery little human nugget. "Oof!"

"Hey, you made me drop my toast!" cried the fat man Zim had backed into. "AW, MAN, YOU MADE ME DROP MY TOAST!"

"O-Oh...!" Zim nervously backed into yet another gross person.

"Shouldn't you be in school, young man?!"

"I- -"

"I love doggies!"

"Agh!" Zim spotted GIR in the clutches of a little boy. "You give him here!"

"Hmmmm...no!"

Zim grabbed GIR's arms and the boy had a vice grip on GIR's legs. A tug of war began.

"YAYYY, PAIN!" GIR squealed as his eyes bulged out.

The tussle ended when GIR's puppy costume ripped along the middle, and Zim fell backwards holding a SIR unit that was bare from the waist down.

The crowd of people fell silent.

"...that little boy just ripped that puppy's butt off!"

"GET HIM!"

"This'll teach you rip off puppy butts in this town, son!"

Zim slowly stood up and dusted himself off as the townsfolk ganged up on the boy and started beating him up. Listening to the boy's screams of anguish and watching GIR do leg exercises, only one thought ran through the Irken's mind.

 _"Sometimes I wish I was dead."_

* * *

(A/N; THE END! *maniacal laughter* FINALLY! You have no idea how long this one has been sitting around! Honestly, I don't care how disjointed and kinda dumb this is, I'm just glad to have it over with.

Uh, I don't really know what I think of it, but I guess it wouldn't hurt to post it after all the time I spent on it. I definitely think this could've turned out better, but I'm not sure how...so I guess that's my "excuse" for this being such a weird one. But anywho, please review, fave and check out my profile for more! Au revoir!)


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